Oh where to begin and how not to make this too long? I dunno, but here it goes. Without getting into all the build-up and little details of my journey, which I take great pleasure in but will just result in "Too Much Information" for your sake, basically here is what happened:
Almost 3 weeks ago now, on that fateful Sunday in church October 22, God gave me an answer, which led to a calling, which led to and continues to lead to more questions.
That day, my pastor was speaking on "Becoming Jesus' Disciples" and I was very keen on topic for a number of reasons. Thinking of my past perceptions on being a disciple and thinking on my trek understanding of being a disciple, I followed the sermon every step of the way, nodding my head. During the talk I kept thinking about the summer, particularly with my frustrations at debrief and feeling upset about not being/feeling "called" as other people on the team had. Then as my pastor was finishing up, I posed this question to myself: "After this summer, whey did God leave me feeling disappointed and so unsatisfied?" Immediately following that came the answer in my thoughts: so that I would desire MORE and would want to commit more of my time and more of my life to seeing Him work powerfully... realizing how much I wanted to be a part it all.
I finally had a satisfactory answer for my summer struggles!! But suddenly I also realized this meant that I was finally convicted to say "yes" to His calling. When it came to truly being a disciple of Jesus and going wherever He may lead, even if that meant leaving my home and family, I had never said "no" to Him, but I had never said "yes" either. Going from having my "answer" to "saying yes", was not an instant connection. However, when it finally did hit me, the decision to get out of my seat and walk to the alter came very suddenly and there was no turning back. I just went. And there at the front of the church I knelt, and shook , and wept. Basically I was terrified, but I could not deny this moment. One ofthe convicting thoughts I had a that time was this: Part of me desired to experience more of God, while another part of me was still very much afraid of all the challenges and changes this would bring; and yet I still was willing to say "yes" and moreover feeling that I had to say "yes" - this had to be God. It would be so much easier to live out my future plans and to just say "no". But I just couldn't. As much as my human-comfort-loving-self didn't want it, something in my spirit did desire and even ached for it (as evidenced by my summer struggles).
So for a while I just enjoyed having received such a convicting answer and calling from God that day and just worshipped him for it all. I got to celebrate in the fact that at least I
knew that God had called me even if I didn't yet know where or what specifically. But eventually the not-knowing became harder... especially as I tried to tie this calling into my desire to be a teacher as well as with my relationship with Sean and his calling.
Now I could go into all the thoughts I have been having about what could possible be my calling or how to know whether those thoughts are me-motivated or God-motivated, and how I know when those two are properly aligned... but I think that is a whole other complicated and unresolved topic that I will not go into now. So... as for now...
Thank God!! He has answered my and your prayers about my trek-struggles and I am determined not to forget that, even though it is easy to get focused on the new unresolved prayers about the future that God has for me. At this point, I will continue to strive to do what the disciples did in Luke 5: "They pulled their boats up on shore, left everything and followed him". All I know to do is to continue to follow Him one day at a time.
